2 weeks ago, January 3, I got a text from my sister saying that my mom had been admitted into the hospital. It was only to run some tests and there was nothing to worry about. She had gone into the ER because she had an issue that she went to see her dr about and her dr referred her to a specialist. The specialist couldn't see her for 3 weeks and she needed answers sooner, so she went to the Emergency Room knowing that someone would see her much sooner. She hadn't been feeling well for a few weeks so we figured they would run some tests, give her some strong antibiotics, and all would be well. BOY WERE WE WRONG!
Mom called me the next day from the hospital. She said "Hey Shan, what are you guys up to?" I responded with whatever we were doing and the next words and how she said them stay with me "Well, I wanted to call and tell you I have stage 4 liver cancer and there are also spots on my colon. They can't do anything to help my colon... the drs have given me 3-5 years" as she was saying it she started crying. I don't know if it was the information just given to me, the unexpectedness of her crying or both but I cried along with her. She told me there was nothing I could do and I didn't need to rush down there, I could if I wanted to but that she would be in the hospital for a few more days and she would let me know if there was any news or new developments. I hung up with her and cried into Kyle's shoulder. He held me close and I just wept.
There is some info that my mom doesn't want shared, so out of respect for her I will skip around a bit. Sunday came and I called my mom late that night to see how her day was (she was still in the hospital). One of her brothers came that day and gave her and my dad Priesthood blessings. She remembered bits and pieces and told me about them. The next day would be surgery for her. My dad felt very calm about what needed to be done, which I felt was a direct result of the priesthood blessing. She wasn't scheduled for surgery until 3 pm, but I got a text at 11 saying they were taking her back. We didn't hear much else for a few hours and then heard that mom was back in her room resting. What a relief! But, surgery was just the first step. She now has to wait a month to heal, and then they will start chemo. The word "chemo" sends chills down my spine. I cry whenever I hear it. My mom called me while she was in the hospital and asked me if I would be willing to come down twice a month, when she starts chemo, to help her. Whether it is at home, help her run errands, make her food if she cant, etc. We don't know how her body will respond and I am so thankful she would ask me. Kyle and I went down the Friday after she got out of the hospital. She was up and walking around, laughing and joking. But really, the worst is still to come. Nothing has happened yet in the grand scheme of things.
So now we wait. My mom has good days and bad days with her emotions... I do too. I have learned a lot from this trial. The best being that no matter what, family comes through. No matter what the situation, or the past... they come. I love that lesson! I have also learned that there are people who genuinely care. I know there are daily prayers being said for my mom... I know she is loved and people are hoping she fights this and comes out victorious. I also know that there are prayers being said for me and my husband and children. We feel them. We feel love and support. Thanks to everyone who has! But I have also learned that there are people who care for gossiping purposes. People who say "Oh I'm so sorry" but then turn and use it as a conversation piece for something to do. It makes me sick. There will always be people who just need something to talk about.
In all honesty, I'm scared. I'm scared for my mom. I'm scared for the pain and toll that this will all take on her. I'm scared that the strong, brave and fearless woman that raised me will ever feel alone or scared herself. I'm scared for my dad. I have grown up knowing how much he loved her, how he will do anything for her, and how in his eyes she was perfect. I'm scared to see him go through this as well. I'm scared for my children. I want them to grow up knowing her and loving her. I'm scared that they might be robbed the experiences with her. And selfishly, I'm scared for myself. I'm scared of losing my mom, one of my very best friends. I'm scared of having more kids and having no one to help me. I'm scared of being separated from her at such a young age. I'm scared of not being able to call her for advice about Kyle, my children, my work, school, church or just life. I'm scared of having to use store bought Halloween costumes for my kids (stupid I know) or store bought baby blankets. I'm scared of not having her come to visit and see Jaxton and Paisley light up when she gets here saying "Grammy, you came from far away to my house... I love you".
Because of the gospel, I know she will never be far from me and no matter what I will be with her again. I know those things and I love that, but I'm not ready to lose her in this life. I continually pray for her and for her doctors. That they will know how to best treat her and that she will fight this. She will be strong and know that there are so many people behind her who love her and want to see her pull through. We love and support her and want her to know she matters to us.
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