The Internet

***Forewarning*** This is not a post to hurt anyone or to make public some of the very private happenings in our lives. This is a reminder for myself, my husband and some day my children of the potential harms of the internet and the wonderful counsel we have been given.

A couple of weeks ago, an email popped up on my phone. It was late on a Saturday night, we had a few friends at our house and I chose to ignore it for the time being. Later on, as I was getting ready for bed, I remembered my phone was flashing about that email so I checked it. It was an email from Facebook (I'm sure we all get these) so I opened it. It was an extremely cruel and nasty post, written on a family members wall about me and directed to me. It took me a few minutes and a few tries to comprehend what was actually being said... not because I can't read, but because I was in complete and total shock for two reasons.

1. That something like that was even being said.

2. That is was being said on Facebook, a place that is so public and lacks any sort of privacy.

Kyle and I are very open and very honest with each other, so I immediately handed him my phone. I think he reread it more times than I did. I watched as the look on his face went from "we just had a great night with our friends" enjoyment to pure sadness and anger. We spent a little bit of time discussing it and how we felt. Kyle expressed both of those feelings. My first reaction was anger and disgust. But it quickly turned to something of sadness. Not sadness for myself and the negative things which had been said to and about me... but to sadness for the person who felt justified in writing those things. As I have openly mentioned previously, I have struggled with feelings of depression, anxiety, low self esteem and little self worth. I too have made inappropriate comments in my past for the sole purpose of hurting someone else. I remember all those years ago, the good feelings I could get when I made someone else cry. It was many years ago, but those feelings are not easy to forget. Kyle immediately called the person who wrote it, even though it was late and we were tired. He got every excuse in the book, none of which he can remember because he "didn't care... nothing justifies something like that". He made the hard decision that while things like that are happening, that person has no place in our life, or our children's life. I know that decision hurt him, but we haven't discussed it since.

This isn't the first time something negative like this has been posted about me on the internet. It's not the first time Kyle has had to go to bat for me. It happened a few months ago, not on Facebook, but on a different social networking type site. He addressed it at that time and we haven't discussed it since. But this previous time was right before we were scheduled to meet with our bishop. It was something that I got an extreme prompting to mention to him, so I did. I mentioned how harmful I felt things like this are to our relationship, not because we listen or care, but because it seems negative things are being said more than positive. The bishops counsel it what came into my mind when I read that horrible Facebook post. He said "Be extremely cautious and weary about where you go on the Internet. It can be a great tool and a great way to keep in touch with people we love, but I often think people use the Internet to say things they can not or will not say in person. It is a way for people to hide behind what they say and not have to take accountability for their actions. I urge you to stay away from anything that in any way disrupts, or could disrupt your lives together." Kyle and I haven't been back to that site in months.

I have been careful the past few months in what I have said and who I have said it to, in person or the internet. Although we don't go back to that previous website, I won't let one person ruin the fun connections I have gained on Facebook. Their opinion doesn't control our lives, nor should we let it. Kyle and I are happy, regardless if that person thinks I am a bad wife and mother and don't deserve him. Kyle is with me every single day. He knows that is not true and he continues to love and support me and our family. I am grateful for the prompting I had to speak to the bishop and I am happy for the advice we were given. I do think it has forever changed my life.

Mommy's Day pictures

This is our family tradition. I never know what to get our mom's for Mother's Day... and my mom's suggestion is always "I would love a new family picture" so that's what we do. These aren't my favorite. I was 28 weeks, fat and uncomfortable... but we have to do new ones when our sweet little girl comes anyways. Enjoy!

Jaxton Update

I haven't posted an update on Jaxton lately! So much has changed with his. He is getting so big!!

1. He LOVES bananas!! He sees them on the counter or in the store and starts clapping and saying "Nana nana nana!"

2. He can sign.

3. He loves walking around the house saying "dada dada da" but if he is ever upset, it's always "Mama"

4. He has been walking since 9 months, but walks like a champ now!

5. He absolutely LOVES Dayzee! He loves to say "Dayzee" and play keep away with her toys.

6. His favorite past time is climbing on the ottoman and jumping back and forth from the couches to the ottomans and back to the couches. (Kyle tells me one time he was chasing Dayzee and jumped the wrong way and landed on her in a full on belly flop! Love him!)

7. He has 7 teeth!

8. Still wears 9 month clothes! This is getting kinda old though!

9. LOVES milk!

10. He only wants to feed himself. He gets angry if we try to help him and I think he might be a lefty! (A girl can hope right)

11. He was finally cleared for a big boy car seat!! That was so fun for him!!

12. He loves to be thrown around.

13. He plays tickle toes... basically he hates having anything stuck between his toes and he always tries to play tickle toes with me and Kyle. And then he just laughs and laughs!

14. If you say "Jaxton, where's your baby?" He will lift up his shirt and point to his belly. If you say "Where is mom's baby?" He will lift up my shirt and lay his head on my belly. So precious!!

15. He loves to laugh! If everyone else is laughing, he will start laughing too so that he doesn't feel left out.

16. He is in a total mama boy stage. I LOVE it but it drives me crazy at the same time.

17. He still wakes up once every night. He sits and crys "Mama" and I always give in and go get him.

18. When we're putting his shoes and socks on, he will lift up his feet and try to say shoes and socks

19. He is always putting his feet in our shoes and walking around

20. He has the BEST hair! It grows in so nicely and just lays flat. Lucky kid!!

He has such a fun personality. We love having him in our lives. He is going to be such a good big brother!!!

Memories

I was cleaning the house today and found a box I made in some counselling I had done awhile back. The purpose of the box was to keep me calm when I got angry, happy when I got sad or just to remind me of all of the good things I have in life. I have continued to add things to this box (which Jaxton has recently destroyed) but there was something in there I had completely forgotten about. It was summer of 2008 and I was home from college. I was in one of the worst episodes of my eating disorder and I was literally struggling to stay afloat. I had told my sister how much I was struggling and what was going on and she immediately called my mom. We had gone to see the bishop and he encouraged me to talk to my family, especially my brother who had only recently left on his mission. I wrote to Jay and told him what was going on and how poorly I was handling it. Shortly after, I received a letter from him... I hadn't heard from him in a week and was stoked. It was addressed to just me and I ripped it open. There was a tiny, quarter of a piece of paper folded up. I opened it up and read what he wrote first "Shannon- your letter made me weep. I haven't cried on the mission yet. Except for now. We had a devotional where a missionary talked about a hard decision he had to make. He found this crumpled up on the ground in front of his chapel. Its inspiring. Read it, hang it up on your mirror do whatever girls do with things. But read it out loud every morning. Be unashamed. Side with our savior. I'll pray for you and fast for you. I love you. Your brother, Elder Jay LaPratt" He attached a scripture as well... "And now my son Shiblon, I would that as much as ye shall put your trust in God even so much ye shall be delivered out of your trials, and your troubles, and your afflictions, and ye shall be lifted up at the last day."

This is what was written on the reverse side:

The Fellowship of the Unashamed

I am part of the fellowship of the unashamed. The dye has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made. I am a disciple of Jesus Christ. I won't look back, let up, slow down, or be still. My past is redeemed, my present makes sense and my future is secure. I'm finished and done with low living, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, worldly talking, cheap giving, and dwarfed goals. I no longer need pre-eminence, positions, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don't have to be right, first, recognized, praised, regarded or rewarded. I now live by faith, lean on His presence, walk with patience, am uplifted by prayer, and labor with power. My face is set, my gait is fast, my goal is Heaven. My road is narrow, my way is rough, my companions are few, my guide is reliable, my mission is clear. I cannot be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, divided or delayed. I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice, hesitate in the presence of the adversary, negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity. I won't give up, shut up or let up until I have stayed up, stored up, and paid up for the cause of Christ. I must go till He comes, give till I drop, preach till all know, and work till He stops me. And when he returns for His own, He will have no problem recognizing me. My banner will be clear. - Anonymous

I needed to see this today. While I struggle with some of the other issues in my life, I was immediately reminded of how I am never alone. I needed to remember how much my brother's loved me. I hate how I feel lately, but I will forever be grateful for the lessons I have learned in the struggles I have had. This is such a precious memory for me.

2 years!!!

Kyle and I celebrated our 2 year wedding anniversary on March 28. I seriously LOVE this man! Our anniversary must seriously be cursed. On our 1 year anniversary, I had an infection that kept me in bed, shivering and throwing up (attractive right?!?) and this year, kyle was completely beat up and in so much pain. We went to our favorite Mexican restuarant (in Cedar City at least) and spent the rest of the night cuddling. We'll hope for a better celebration next year!!!

We did however plan on having more of a celebration on our vacation... which we did!!

Kyle's Accident

So I don't wanna write too much about this because it still makes be break down into tears, but there are a few things we want to remember.

March 18, 2011 - Kyle was working down in St George doing concrete for Rob. This is nothing unusual, and he keeps my updated on his day. He called me at 4:45, he was supposed to be heading out to Hurricane to finish a pool but was called on the way out there and was told that they no longer needed his truck, they were finished. He called to tell me how pissed off he was but happy that he got to come home. We were going to go see a movie (which we don't do often, so it was exciting for us). I left work at 5 and went to get Jaxton from Chandler's house. As I was putting Jaxton in his carseat, my phone started ringing. I could see it from where I was and saw that it was Kyle. I figured he was just calling to tell me that he was heading home and I could expect him in about an hour. I called him back once I got in the car and was driving away... but when someone picked up his phone.... it wasn't Kyle. My heart immediately sank. It was his co-worker Chris, who I have only met a few times. He told me that Kyle had been in an accident, but the paramedics were with him and he was talking to them. One of the paramedics got on the phone and I asked him where I needed to go and what I needed to do. He told me to stay put (in Cedar... 45 minutes away) and he would call me back. HELL NO!!! Jill called me once they had been informed of the accident and told me they were taking Kyle to Dixie, I was already headed down there, so at least now I knew where he would be. We spent hours and hours in the emergency room, Kyle was pretty beat up and has no recollection of what happened (thank goodness!!!!) He kept asking to see Rob, and for me to tell him that he was sorry. I am pretty sure that was not Rob's concern but Kyle kept insisting. We spent that night in the hospital so that they could monitor Kyle's concussion. They finally released him the next day around 2. We got back to Cedar and our amazing friends had come over, cleaned our home and spent the day watching Jaxton. Our bishop and his wife had taken him the night before so I could stay with Kyle and not have to worry. My parents came up before Kyle was released and had a late lunch waiting for us. They took Jaxton and Dayzee for a week since Kyle wouldn't be able to pick him up or tend to him much and I still needed to work since this had the potential of putting a damper on our usual flow of income. Our ward brought meals to us for most of the week (which was amazing and greatly appreciated)

Here are the things we want to remember:

1. Kyle made a comment one day about Heaven watching over him because there must be more babies up there waiting to come to our home (adorable!)

2. I spent most of the night in the hospital room watching him drift in and out of sleep and just being so grateful that he is my husband and that I had him. I am so lucky to have him and to still have him.

3. Kyle was super beat up, luckily nothing was broken. We noticed when we got him home and showered how incredibly scratched and bruised he was, but only in places that his garments don't cover. What a testimony builder!

4. We have made such amazing friends while we have been here in Cedar City. As much as I hate this place, I am grateful for the people that we have met and who have been there for us when we needed it most.

Thanks to everyone for all of the love, support, meals, texts, calls, emails, prayers and concern. Our little family was definitely blessed and we are completely aware of that!

Jay's Wedding

My little brother got married on March 11, 2011 to Hayley Golightly. We had such a fun time in Vegas with them for their special day. It will be fun having Hayley in our family. Congrats to Jay and Hayley.